EDIT: I’m breaking a rule here. You’re not supossed to tell your audience that your article is a satire piece, but I’ve had a few people take me seriously on this one. It was awkward. Ergo…WARNING, THE FOLLOWING POST IS SATIRE.
Since tomorrow is the day Jesus comes back, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do on my last night here on planet Earth.
You know, I was thinking that it would be appropriate to have one last big family time where the four of us cozy up on the couch in matching snuggies and watch Disney movies all night. The boys wouldn’t have a bedtime and we’d eat all the ice cream we want. But then it hit me; that’s the very last thing I’d do. Obviously there will be no bedtimes and all-you-can-eat ice cream buffets in heaven. So why spend your very last night doing something you can do for all eternity?
So I’m going to do things that won’t be in heaven.
So here are some things we know about heaven. First off, there’s going to be no sex in heaven. EVERYONE knows that, right? My condolences go out to Christian couples who are getting married tomorrow. But this could be an opportunity for us married men. If the wife claims a headache, counter with the fact that it’ll be the VERY LAST TIME. Or make a compromise. Say you’ll clean the house from top to bottom this weekend. What sound-minded wife would turn that down?
Also, since heaven will be filled with days where we’ll do nothing but worship God set to Chris Tomlin and Hillsongs music, there will be no place for all my favorite classic rock bands. Bummer. A word of advice for all you audiophiles. Before Jesus comes back, get rid of all your illegally downloaded music…you know, just in case Jesus was really tight with the MIAA.
I’m thinking I should also watch my favorite movie: the newest Star Trek. But then again, since God has perfect qualities, I’m pretty sure he’s a Trekkie. I bet he’s also a fan of Joss Whedon’s Firefly. And I’m hoping he will work out a deal with the original cast to make some additional seasons. But I’m convinced that God is not a reality TV fan. So that won’t be in heaven. And that’s cause for celebration.
What I’m curious to know is when this is all going to happen tomorrow? Which side of the International Date Line is God going to respect? God used to be all about the Jewish people, but I’m pretty sure God’s an American now. I just don’t want it to happen while I’m asleep. It’d be creepy to go to bed and wake up in heaven. But how are we going to get to heaven? Are we going to float up there? Imagine waking up and being suspended in space. I think I would cuss. But cussing might make you stop floating. I don’t want that. Hopefully God is a morning person.
These are just a few thoughts. What are YOU planning on doing on your last night here? Reply and contribute!